what a load of old wank

Last week I posted on Instagram about my wedding last September, where my wife and I drew names out of a hat mid-ceremony to determine who the witnesses would be for the signing. It was part of a larger point about shaping a ceremony the way you want, because it's your day.

I want to expand on it just a little, because after lurking on some celebrant forums this morning I'm kind of annoyed by the attitude of some of the celebrants commenting there (I might add, this isn't unusual for me). I've mentioned before that there are thousands of celebrants out there, each with their own individual style. This is awesome! Because there are thousands of couples ready to get married, also rocking their own flavour.

Today, I read something along the lines of, "My couple wants to move all the official signing stuff to be the last thing in the ceremony, after everything else has been completed and the guests have moved away. Can I do this?" Great question! The forums are a great place to get info from more experienced celebrants. So it was disappointing to see it met with howls of disapproval from some of the celebrants online.

"What are the couple thinking?"

"What's the point of that?"

I can only imagine the OP was completely befuddled by nearly 20 responses, almost without exception, telling her what a bad idea it was and how she could change her clients minds.

What a load of old wank.

If you have some ideas about how you want your ceremony to go, share them your celebrant. If they tell you your ideas aren't much chop - without a valid reason - find another celebrant.

Don't get me wrong, there are some legalities that MUST be adhered to. As the celebrant I need to identify myself to the guests and read the Monitum (which in itself contains some antiquated language that, in my opinion, should be revised to be more inclusive). The couple's full names must be said at some point, and they need to say the legally binding vows as specified in the Marriage Act - which are a whole, one sentence long. The 2 witnesses must be over 18 and capable of understanding what is said.

There's a general flow a ceremony takes as well. Some things must be done before others, like the Monitum being read sometime before the vows. 

But on the whole, a civil ceremony is SUPER flexible! That's kind of the point. You're not in a church following paint-by-numbers rituals.

You want the official signing to be the the very last thing done? Awesome.

You want your dog in a tutu, carrying in the rings? Kick arse!

You want to turn up on roller skates? Do it!

You want to give everyone a raffle ticket as they walk in and have a lucky door prize to pick witnesses? Outstanding!

Instead of having a reading, you want the guests to sing Hooked On A Feeling by Blue Swede? I f**king love it! I'll dress up as Groot!

After you're married and walking back down the aisle, you want the whole crowd to play kazoos to the tune of Always Look on the Bright Side of Life?

I'll pay you to let me conduct your ceremony* 

(*please note - I will not pay you to conduct your ceremony)

You get the idea.

There are heaps of traditions that surround a wedding ceremony. But they're not the law.

You don't have to have rings.

The celebrant doesn't have to ask the bride's dad if it's ok she gets married today.

The witnesses don't have to be the best man and the maid-of-honour. You don't even have to have a BM or MOH!

The groom doesn't have to read his vows first.

The bride doesn't have to stand on my right.

In conclusion super friends, just in case I haven't been clear - it's YOUR wedding day.

It's not the celebrant's day.

It's not your sister's day.

It's not your mum's day.

It's not your event manager's day.

It's your day. 

So do some homework.

Find a great celebrant.

And with them, build a ceremony that not only reflects who you are, but sets the tone for the rest of your day. 

Make it all yours.

(Edit - 13/12/2016)

Please don't think I'm against tradition, if that's what you're looking for.

That's the point. It's entirely about what you want. Traditional or not. Bells and whistles or simple AF. 

It's your day.

I don’t care if you think i’m too expensive

So I've decided click-baity titles are the way I'm going to get you to read my blog. I've even added a photo where I look too smug for my own good. Welcome aboard!

It's not only an attempt at clickbait though - it's pretty much true.

(In the interests of balance, I've also been told I'm too cheap - although that may be more to do with my moral fibre than anything else! Guess what? I don't really care about that either.) 

I have a fee I've decided is appropriate for the time and effort required to prepare and deliver the best ceremony I can for my clients, so that's what I charge. 

I've got no interest in getting into a slanging match with clients, other celebrants or clients about other celebrants and what they charge.

Can you guess why?

I don't care.

And if we're being completely honest, neither should you.

*** Strap-in for some massive sweeping generalisations about potential clients. ***

There are (generally speaking) 3 types of clients.

*    The couple who know the who/what/why/when and where.

They've done their research, with plenty of time to spare until the big day. They make arrangements early, they book early. They're creating the day they want. It might be them, 2 witnesses, a dog and a beach. It might be City Hall with a marching band and a 5 course meal. They have a vision. They plan for it. They budget for it. And they pay what they think is appropriate to make that happen.

*    The Last-minuters!

And there's nothing wrong with last minute planning. Much to my very organised wife's dismay, I work best to a deadline. Like, right up to a deadline.

The trouble with this type of wedding planning is obvious. Your options are limited, in both choice of vendor and price.

*    And lastly, The Email Bombers.

They've discovered a list of celebrants and they email bomb them all with "Hi - how much?" And as a general rule, they'll take the lowest price that bounces back to them and that's that. 

And if you think that you might fall into that last category, then the blog title might apply to you.

I know I sound like a prick, so indulge me a moment as I try and dig up.

There are a multitude of reasons you might be getting married on a budget, I totally get that. And the vast majority of those reasons are so totally legit, I'll apologise if I've offended you ***

BUT - and here's the sting in the tail - if you're email bombing celebrants and taking the lowest price for no other reason than you don't think a celebrant is worth the money, then I don't care if you think I'm too expensive.

If you're willing to pay thousands of dollars on a venue, but want to haggle over a few hundred bucks for a celebrant, I don't care if you think I'm too expensive.

If you can't see the difference a great celebrant will make in your big day, I don't care if you think I'm too expensive.

Here's the bit where I'm going to sell you the role of the celebrant - if you already know, you can stop reading now.

The most important reason - without a celebrant, you're not getting married.

A good celebrant should write a ceremony that's tailored to you. It should literally, be all about you.

A good celebrant, through the course of a ceremony will get you and your guests laughing and crying, hollering and cheering. Personally I prefer more laughing than crying, but you never can tell!

A good celebrant will have you and your guests (if there are any) walking away, smiling your arses off, pumped up for the rest of your celebration. They set the tone for the rest of your day, dare I say, the rest of your life! 

A wedding ceremony is your chance to tell the world, "THIS IS THE PERSON I LOVE! I'M GOING TO SAY ALL THE THINGS! I WANT THE CELEBRANT TO SAY ALL THE THINGS! I LOVE THIS PERSON!"

Basically if you think that the ceremony is a chore to be endured to get to the booze and food, (you probably stopped reading a while ago) in my opinion, you probably need to re-evaluate why you're even getting married.

But yeah, probably don't bother emailing me either.

*** (Side note: if there's some really funky stuff - and not in a good way - going on in your life and there's a reason you're cutting costs and maybe getting married in a hurry, and you find a celebrant or wedding vendor you really love, give them a holler and let them know what's up. I know a lot of them are pretty good humans and love to help out a good cause when they can)

No one cares about your shitty photos

Relax wedding photographer super-friends, and the champion couples that have booked you. I'm not talking to you. Everybody wants to see your AMAZING PHOTOS!

 I'm talking to you, cousin Jenny. Hanging out in the aisle with you new iPhone 23, blocking the professional photographers shot of the bride or groom catching a first glimpse of their beloved bride or groom.

I'm talking to you Grandpa Bill, with the worlds biggest tablet. So big in fact, I can't even see your head behind it even though I'm only 2 feet away from you. Holding it up with uncanny strength with your elderly arms for the entire ceremony.

I'm talking to you, old school friend Jeremy Marsh, who inexplicably got an invite despite not having seen the groom for 15 years and being completely unknown to the bride.

JUST. STOP. IT.

If you have even a feigning interest in wedding trends, or have been to a wedding in the last 6 to 12 months, you've probably struck the "Unplugged" concept. It's great and it's pretty simple. You've been invited to a wedding. Watch it directly through your eye balls, rather than a screen. When the couple glance out lovingly at their assembled nearest and dearest, they want to see you, not your tech.

Firstly, and this should be the only reason you need - it's just bloody good manners. Straight up.

Secondly, no one cares about your shitty photos. Like, nobody. You've desperately jostled for position to get the best shot you can with you phones tiny lens. "But it's the best camera in a phone ever!" It's a camera in a phone. It's still pretty crappy. You don't see the wedding photographer slinging duelling Samsung whatevers.

Or, some may say even worse - Uncle Jimmy has just bought a DSLR online for half price and now he's a "photographer". No Uncle Jimmy, you're not.

But now you have your precious photo or 30 second video clip (or god forbid, the whole bloody ceremony). Now what? What are you going to do with it? Show a few people at your table that night? Thrill your colleagues back at the office Monday morning? They hope not. Dump them onto a USB and mail them to the happy couple? If you answered yes, we both know you're lying. And I'm not angry, just disappointed.

In most cases your marrying mates have paid good money for someone that knows what they're doing when it comes to the old point and shoot. Not only do professional photographers know how to take great photos, but they know what to do with them once they've taken them. The couple may have even hired a videographer. So stand down Poppy. That job's taken.

(Side note - if they haven't booked anyone, and ask you to do it, cousin Wilma - well then, just ignore this idiot.)

So if you want to take a quick shot of you and your mates before the ceremony starts, knock yourself out.

But if you find yourself hanging out into the aisle trying to get "OMG the best shot ever" - well, really knock yourself out.